Self-Worth, Be Proud

My Self-worth was at an all time low “I hate myself and want to die! there’s nothing you can say or do to stop me killing myself, so don’t bother trying!” This I repeatedly said to my counsellor and at the time I genuinely believed it. Thankfully I no longer feel this way, in fact every single day I thank God that I’m still here, that I found the strength to battle my mental health and that I’m finally beginning to feel better in myself. As crazy as it sounds, I’m actually grateful for my illness. I’ve discovered a whole new side to me and believe I’m a better person now, due to my recent experiences.

My journey battling depression has also been a journey of self-discovery and I quite like what I’ve discovered! I’m so much more open minded and  compassionate towards others. Sure I can be over-emotional at times. Vulnerable and fragile I certainly am, but I’m also a much stronger person than I ever gave myself credit for and I no longer view my sensitivity as a weakness. I feel I have a lot to offer and crucially that I’m worth fighting for.

Take a closer look

Building confidence and self esteem. Self-worth Several months a go my counsellor asked me what I saw when I looked in the mirror and this is what I came up with.

When I look in the mirror I see lots of things, surprisingly! It’s hard to get past the initial thought of hating the way I look, big bags under my eyes, dry flaky skin, spots everywhere, bald on top making me look at least ten years older! But when I look a bit deeper, the main thing I see is sadness. I try to mask it with a smile but it looks awkward and forced. In the end my haunted looking eyes give me away. One minute I look like a frightened little boy with all the troubles of the world on my shoulders. The next time I look I see nothing, emptiness, a distant blank expression. Maybe my defence mechanism is to completely switch off, or maybe I’m seeing someone whose lost all hope and is slowly giving up on life. Either way this vulnerable person staring back at me both scares and disappoints me.

 

I’m pleased to say that at present my perception of myself has somewhat changed. I’m not about to insult your intelligence by saying I’ve miraculously gone from hating my appearance, to suddenly liking it, because that’s simply not true. I have noticed some subtle changes though, that have made observing myself a little more bearable. Where as before, I saw emptiness, fear and confusion in my eyes, now I see more understanding and even glimpses of hope and optimism.

It’s perfectly normal to see all your flaws, especially when you’re studying yourself so intently. Even the most beautiful people will still find things they’re not happy with if they look hard enough. We are our own worse critics after all.

How easy is it to stand in front of a full-length mirror working your way from head to toe, highlighting all the things you’re not happy with. Tiny blemishes can soon get magnified into hideous deformities. Of course these are only visible to you and not to others around you. In fact some of the time, what you view as an imperfection, someone else might find to be an attractive feature.

Give Yourself a break

Building confidence and self esteemMental health is hard to live with. One of the hardest parts for me is the unpredictable nature of it.  sometimes just as you think your doing ok and moving in the right direction, something happens that completely floors you. Its like having a giant elastic band attached to you which never lets you get to your destination. When You’re climbing up the hill, you can feel it pulling you back, you can almost reach out and touch where you need to be and then suddenly your tugged  backwards and you end up right back where you started! It’s hard. It’s frustrating, I know  but you need to dust yourself off and start again. Make the most of your good days and don’t put too much emphasis on the bad ones.

I have anxiety and depression, but I refuse to let it define me, there’s much more to me than that. Don’t let your illness define you. Life is hard enough for anyone. If you suffer with mental health issues it’s even more important that your kind to yourself and manage your expectations.

 

 

There’s always hope

Two years ago I came perilously close to taking my life. Its hard to explain the pain and mental anguish I was experiencing at this time but lets just say I was in an extremely dark place.                                                               I didn’t fully understand why I was feeling this way, which made it all so much worse. Even though I’d been seeing a counsellor for some time Asking for help on this was not an option, I was far to ashamed and didn’t feel deserving of it. I felt like I’d become a burden to everyone important in my life. I genuinely believed that killing myself was the only option left. And so I began putting plans in place for after I’d gone. I wrote personal letters to each of my loved ones, cleared my debts and left enough in the bank to pay for my funeral. I even put a list together of telephone numbers my family would need to contact after my death. I really gave it a lot of thought and attempted to cover all angles.                                 shortly after this I took myself to the spot I intended to do the deed, a nearby quarry with a big drop, easily deep enough to do the job. I wasn’t sure if today would be the day or if it was just to be a practice run (as ridiculous as this must sound!). Anyway it was a cloudy but fine day, I cant remember much of the walk up but I found myself stood on the edge. I closed my eyes and thought about how easy it would be. One simple step forward and my problems would be over, the pain would finally stop. I had just about convinced myself that today was going to be the day when a strange sensation came over me. I was suddenly greeted by a warm breeze against my forehead. It felt good and strangely comforting. I opened my eyes to see the sun breaking through the cloud and lighting up the whole valley. What a stunning view, I cant believe I hadn’t noticed it before! I broke down, overwhelmed with emotion. Today wasn’t to be the day after all.

Later I confided in my counsellor, sharing my entire plan with her. At this point She made me get the extra help I needed. I was still adamant I was going to end my life and put it down to cowardice that I hadn’t done it already. She also helped me to see that not taking my life was actually the bravest thing I’ve ever done. The help that I’ve received since that day has been invaluable.                                                                                                The reality is I’m nowhere near recovered, I may never be. But I have learnt to manage my illness much better. Some days I find myself very down and too anxious to leave the house on my own, it feels like I’m surviving at best! But all this aside I no longer wake up in the morning dreading the day, instead I find myself looking forward to things to come. In fact every day feels like a bonus and this alone is a huge step for me.

 

 

FEELING USELESS

One of the main characteristics of having depression is constantly putting yourself down and I am a great exponent of this! You can soon become fixated on everybody seeming better than you. You think of yourself as totally useless with very little to offer. Your self-esteem is very low and suddenly even the simplest of tasks becomes a challenge, as self-doubt starts to take over.

‘Everybody’s an expert, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking its stupid’

Above is one of my favourite quotes by Albert Einstein. To me it highlights that everyone has things they excel at and equally things that they’re not so good at. If your taken out of your comfort zone anyone can look foolish. A good analogy is that of a penguin. when on land penguins can appear extremely clumsy, waddling along, tripping and sliding on their bellies in the most undignified of manner. But then all at once a magnificent transformation takes place. Suddenly they’re gliding through the water with elegance and grace as they show off their skills.                                     I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone who’s not good at something, It’s just easy to forget this when your battling with your mental health.

Take a leap of faith Adelie Penguin
Pygoscelis adeliae
Jumping off iceberg
Paulet Island, Antarctica