My Self-worth was at an all time low “I hate myself and want to die! there’s nothing you can say or do to stop me killing myself, so don’t bother trying!” This I repeatedly said to my counsellor and at the time I genuinely believed it. Thankfully I no longer feel this way, in fact every single day I thank God that I’m still here, that I found the strength to battle my mental health and that I’m finally beginning to feel better in myself. As crazy as it sounds, I’m actually grateful for my illness. I’ve discovered a whole new side to me and believe I’m a better person now, due to my recent experiences.
My journey battling depression has also been a journey of self-discovery and I quite like what I’ve discovered! I’m so much more open minded and compassionate towards others. Sure I can be over-emotional at times. Vulnerable and fragile I certainly am, but I’m also a much stronger person than I ever gave myself credit for and I no longer view my sensitivity as a weakness. I feel I have a lot to offer and crucially that I’m worth fighting for.
Take a closer look
Several months a go my counsellor asked me what I saw when I looked in the mirror and this is what I came up with.
When I look in the mirror I see lots of things, surprisingly! It’s hard to get past the initial thought of hating the way I look, big bags under my eyes, dry flaky skin, spots everywhere, bald on top making me look at least ten years older! But when I look a bit deeper, the main thing I see is sadness. I try to mask it with a smile but it looks awkward and forced. In the end my haunted looking eyes give me away. One minute I look like a frightened little boy with all the troubles of the world on my shoulders. The next time I look I see nothing, emptiness, a distant blank expression. Maybe my defence mechanism is to completely switch off, or maybe I’m seeing someone whose lost all hope and is slowly giving up on life. Either way this vulnerable person staring back at me both scares and disappoints me.
I’m pleased to say that at present my perception of myself has somewhat changed. I’m not about to insult your intelligence by saying I’ve miraculously gone from hating my appearance, to suddenly liking it, because that’s simply not true. I have noticed some subtle changes though, that have made observing myself a little more bearable. Where as before, I saw emptiness, fear and confusion in my eyes, now I see more understanding and even glimpses of hope and optimism.
It’s perfectly normal to see all your flaws, especially when you’re studying yourself so intently. Even the most beautiful people will still find things they’re not happy with if they look hard enough. We are our own worse critics after all.
How easy is it to stand in front of a full-length mirror working your way from head to toe, highlighting all the things you’re not happy with. Tiny blemishes can soon get magnified into hideous deformities. Of course these are only visible to you and not to others around you. In fact some of the time, what you view as an imperfection, someone else might find to be an attractive feature.
Give Yourself a break
Mental health is hard to live with. One of the hardest parts for me is the unpredictable nature of it. sometimes just as you think your doing ok and moving in the right direction, something happens that completely floors you. Its like having a giant elastic band attached to you which never lets you get to your destination. When You’re climbing up the hill, you can feel it pulling you back, you can almost reach out and touch where you need to be and then suddenly your tugged backwards and you end up right back where you started! It’s hard. It’s frustrating, I know but you need to dust yourself off and start again. Make the most of your good days and don’t put too much emphasis on the bad ones.
I have anxiety and depression, but I refuse to let it define me, there’s much more to me than that. Don’t let your illness define you. Life is hard enough for anyone. If you suffer with mental health issues it’s even more important that your kind to yourself and manage your expectations.