Time is a precious commodity. I’m currently sat in my garden, in my favourite spot. Why’s it my favourite spot? Because it’s secluded and I feel safe, not a single sole in sight. I’m not entirely alone though, Birds are tweeting their evening songs and an occasional bumblebee is buzzing past, all far to preoccupied to even acknowledge my existence. I look up to see a never-ending blanket of blue and the sun setting in the distance creating a pinkish purplish haze across the horizon. Just how I like it, a nice break from reality, I’m truly alone with just my own thoughts for company. Not always great for a depressant I know, but right now it feels perfect.
And what does an intelligent budding writer think about in these moments of bliss? Well, you’ll be surprised to hear, nothing too deep and meaningful! Believe it or not I’m actually thinking about time spent sat on the toilet! Weird I know, but please bare with me. lets just say, for arguments sake, that the average person spends 10 minutes a day sat on the throne, and lets just say that that person lives until there 80 years old. That equates to 291200 minutes in a life time, or 4853 hours, or approximately 202 days! What a huge waste of time and effort! Granted it can’t really be helped, it’s the way our body works. However it’s got me thinking about how much time we do waste, time that we could do something about. How many of us are simply going through the motions, rushing from one event to the next and completely missing the whole point? The point being that life’s about the experience, it’s not just what you can reach out and touch, it’s how these things make you feel that truly counts. How many people continue to let life pass them by.
Perhaps because I’m a suicide survivor, my eyes have been opened wider than most, and perhaps I’ve learnt to take less for granted. You’d hope that being Categorised as a suicide survivor would put me into a select group, but sadly that’s not the case. There’s a lot of us around and we all have completely different experiences. Some might never have intended to go through with the deed, for these people it might have been a desperate cry for help. Some might have simply bodged the attempt or been found before they wanted to be found! For me I always intended on going through with it, so much so I put plans in place for my family, for after I’d gone. Nobody, apart from me can appreciate how close I came that day, but thankfully I had a last second change of heart. I’ve discovered over time that suicide is nothing to be ashamed of, and in fact being able to talk openly about it really helps me. I also understand that not everyone Is like me and for some, revisiting that moment of their lives is far too painful.
In the few weeks that proceeded my attempt, I saw more and felt more than I had in an entire life time. I know that must sound a bit farfetched, but it’s true. For all intents and purposes I shouldn’t have been here anymore. It therefore felt like I’d been given a second chance and even now it sometimes feels like I’m living on bonus time! If I could have found a way to bottle up these emotions, I would have done so, but obviously over time they faded, it’s unrealistic to think you can stay on cloud nine indefinitely! Battling depression isn’t easy, even with all the optimism in the world, I still have more bad days than good, and on these days I still find it difficult to function. In my worst moments I even question my decision to choose life over suicide. Thankfully this is a question I ask less and less, but that being said, this is the reason why it’s so important to make the most of my good days.
I now find happiness in the strangest of places, like sat right here on this garden swing. This refreshingly cool breeze has probably always been there, but I’ve never allowed myself the time to truly feel it. Practicing mindfulness allows me to notice and appreciate all the finer details. It helps me to put things in perspective and worry less about the future. With my anxiety issues, these meditation techniques have become a vital coping tool, but even if I didn’t have a mental health illness, I would still recommend them. Everyone has stressful moments, times when you’re guilty of overcomplicating things. Mindfulness can help bring you back to the present and remind you that the only thing you can control, is the here and now.
Earlier I said I wasn’t thinking too deep and meaningful, but somehow I’ve gone from the subject of sitting on the toilet, to the meaning of life! And so on that note I will wrap this post up and go back to enjoying this beautiful sunset.