What time didn’t I!
I’ve spent most of my life feeling misunderstood as I’ve always struggled to fit in to any group dynamic or conform to what’s expected of me. The majority of people have felt like this at some stage of their lives but having a mental health illness certainly doesn’t help. Often my behavior can be totally misconstrued. Problems with concentration can come across as me being bored and uninterested. Sometimes it might seem like I’m being ignorant or rude, when the reality is, it’s my anxiety levels that are preventing me from interacting with people, in a way that most would take for granted.
Confused, lost and in a state of total despondency. I had given up all hope; there didn’t seem any point anymore. As my world felt to be crumbling around me it was like I was in quick sand, the more I struggled the more I was dragged further down. Wrapped in misery and hurting like I’d never hurt before, I just wanted it all to stop and it’s no exaggeration when I say I yearned for the slow release of death. when your in such a dark lonely place and your at your lowest ebb it’s difficult to contemplate any kind of future.
What had started with me feeling a bit down, soon escalated into an extremely unhealthy existence of never leaving the house and refusing to interact with anyone. Even talking to my family felt exhausting. To put it simply I thought I was a burden with nothing left to offer and I really didn’t want to be here anymore. I wasn’t looking after myself properly, stopped eating healthy and I’m ashamed to say my personal hygiene became less of a priority.
This is what depression can do to you, it truly is relentless and can leave you feeling like suicide is the best and only option left to you. If you’re dealing with the illness on your own it can be unbearable.
I can understand how depression can kill, as I very nearly lost my fight with it and found myself on the brink of suicide. In my case I was so confused and finding it so hard to accept, I didn’t feel that including others was an option. Depression can make you feel undeserving of any help, even though help is exactly what you need.
Even though in extreme circumstances depression can lead to people taking their lives, It’s important to remember that with the right kind of support, it is a manageable illness. You can live a fulfilled life, even with it. I hope I’m a good example of this.
Thomas Edison wrote ‘We haven’t failed. We now know a thousand things that won’t work, so we’re that much closer to finding what will.’
Try not to give yourself such a hard time, you’re only human after all and we’ve all been in that situation, where things have not gone to plan and we feel painfully embarrassed in front of a group of piers. As hard as it might sound right now, not taking things so seriously and learning to laugh at yourself is a great attribute to have. I know this is not easy to do but try putting the incident into perspective, nobody died, it’s not the end of the world! you’ll have more opportunities in the future to put it right.
In the build up to an important presentation it’s perfectly natural to suffer from nerves and there’s lots of techniques you can use to try and manage your anxiety levels. In my blog I share some of the methods which have worked best for me. In particularly view the posts on living with anxiety and looking after yourself. I think these may be of help.
Being shy and maybe a little more sensitive, is not such a bad thing. They’re actually good qualities to have. As you grow up people will find you intriguing and mysterious, and they will want to get to know you better. Remember some of the kids who seem confident on the surface might not be at all. Often people who come across as loud and brash, are actually just putting on a front to hide their insecurities. I include a post on my high school experiences in my blog, it might be of interest to you.