Every Day Challenges (Irrational thoughts)
My depression and anxiety lead to me having many irrational thoughts. I’m going to share with you a passage from my journal I composed a few weeks a go. At the time we had workmen in the house fitting a new bathroom, my worst nightmare! Things like this badly effect me. My home is usually my safe zone, but having strangers in it for any length of time leads to me quite literally being petrified. I had to strategically plan my toilet trips to the down stairs loo in a desperate attempt to avoid running into anyone. I was left feeling like an intruder in my own home!
I went away with my mum for a few days but when we returned the work was nowhere near complete. Worse still on the Monday it was mums volunteer morning at the hospice and I was going to be left alone. I decided the lesser of two evils was to go with her. I didn’t like the prospect of sitting in a room full of folks having to make conversation, but it was better than the alternative of getting under the work men’s feet. Here’s word for word what I wrote at the time.
At least the suns shining, it’s not such a bad day to die, if this is to be my time. That’s what was going through my mind 10 minutes a go, walking down the road from the Kirkwood hospice, with potential threats to my life at either side of me. I wasn’t scared but at the same time felt distinctly uneasy! I just prayed that if this was my time, it would be over quickly and relatively painlessly, maybe a swift knife to the chest or something along those lines!
I’m now sat in a café in Moldgreen, I feel uncomfortable and extremely self-conscious, but at least it’s safe in here. Safer than out there anyway! As usual I have picked a spot in the darkest dingiest corner, as far away from prying eyes as possible. This will be ok for the next three hours. It turned out I couldn’t stay in the hospice with all those people and I couldn’t stay at home either! so here I am in the middle of plan C. It’s not ideal, I haven’t been out on my own for this long for some time and I’m feeling very vulnerable. Writing this is passing time and if I can some how keep hidden for another hour, I will attempt to walk back. The world is a scary place and I’m not equipped to cope. I wish I was normal, I wish I wasn’t such a freak!
Another problem’s just occurred to me. I need the toilet and I’m going to have to walk past a table of students to get there. Oh my God, what am I going to do now! Maybe I’ll be able to hold on until they’ve gone, I’ll have too, there’s no way I’m walking past them! How ridiculous, I think I’d rather wet myself than walk past people who are probably to engrossed in their conversations to even notice me!
Somehow I’ve managed to get back to the hospice unscathed, and bravely come in to join the group. I’ve even found a corner seat again. Maybe if I keep my head down writing folks might leave me alone. Apparently there’s 40 people in the room, to me it feels more like 400!
Monster Or Not?
Outside of my house I feel extremely small, as I let my irrational thoughts take over!
For 12 months trying to sell my house was an extremely stressful time for me. But once I’d sold it, people thought that I’d miraculously become a different person over night! Well I have news for them, I’m still depressed, I feel just as anxious as ever, just as lost and afraid. It almost feels like one of my main excuses for being such an emotional wreck has gone but I’m no closer to being able to cope. I was very confused about what to do next. I needed a purpose, some structure, a set routine, something to work towards, and then I started to write this blog.
Is it possible that the elderly couple at the bus stop are just simply waiting for the bus? Why then do I view them as such a great threat, why do I genuinely believe them to be carrying weapons! So much so that I have to cross over the road to get past.
Is it possible that the work van parked on the corner of my street, is just parked up whilst the work man has his lunch break? Why then do I think He’s waiting for me to walk past so he can bundle me in to the back and kidnap me! so much so that I have to find a much longer alternative route.
I see a garage door slightly open, light on in the garage. Is it possible they’re doing some work and want a bit of fresh air, maybe they’ve simply forgotten to close the door. But that’s not what goes through my head, instead I convince myself that someone’s in there spying on passers by and they’re going to jump out and attack me! Again I can’t risk walking past and so I find an alternative route.
Later when I’m sat at home I see these scenarios as what they are, totally irrational thoughts on my behalf. I feel foolish and embarrassed that I’ve reacted in this way, but it’s hard to stop, as at the time the threat seems very real and very frightening!
But imagine for one minute that monster approaching you isn’t a monster after all. Imagine that they’re actually scared of you! You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, someone may not be as intimidating as you first think. Think about how you’re coming across to them. A friendly smile or a ‘hello’ and suddenly their face changes, as relief hits home. It turns out lots of people have confidence issues, especially when they’re walking on their own. Not everyone’s out to get you. Their shifty looking exterior could easily be misconstrued, maybe they’re feeling vulnerable and don’t want to give any eye contact. On the other hand they might be standing tall and looking you straight in the eyes, portraying an ultra confident person, when deep down who knows what’s going on. They could be petrified!