Two years ago I came perilously close to taking my life. Its hard to explain the pain and mental anguish I was experiencing at this time but lets just say I was in an extremely dark place. I didn’t fully understand why I was feeling this way, which made it all so much worse. Even though I’d been seeing a counsellor for some time Asking for help on this was not an option, I was far to ashamed and didn’t feel deserving of it. I felt like I’d become a burden to everyone important in my life. I genuinely believed that killing myself was the only option left. And so I began putting plans in place for after I’d gone. I wrote personal letters to each of my loved ones, cleared my debts and left enough in the bank to pay for my funeral. I even put a list together of telephone numbers my family would need to contact after my death. I really gave it a lot of thought and attempted to cover all angles. shortly after this I took myself to the spot I intended to do the deed, a nearby quarry with a big drop, easily deep enough to do the job. I wasn’t sure if today would be the day or if it was just to be a practice run (as ridiculous as this must sound!). Anyway it was a cloudy but fine day, I cant remember much of the walk up but I found myself stood on the edge. I closed my eyes and thought about how easy it would be. One simple step forward and my problems would be over, the pain would finally stop. I had just about convinced myself that today was going to be the day when a strange sensation came over me. I was suddenly greeted by a warm breeze against my forehead. It felt good and strangely comforting. I opened my eyes to see the sun breaking through the cloud and lighting up the whole valley. What a stunning view, I cant believe I hadn’t noticed it before! I broke down, overwhelmed with emotion. Today wasn’t to be the day after all.
Later I confided in my counsellor, sharing my entire plan with her. At this point She made me get the extra help I needed. I was still adamant I was going to end my life and put it down to cowardice that I hadn’t done it already. She also helped me to see that not taking my life was actually the bravest thing I’ve ever done. The help that I’ve received since that day has been invaluable. The reality is I’m nowhere near recovered, I may never be. But I have learnt to manage my illness much better. Some days I find myself very down and too anxious to leave the house on my own, it feels like I’m surviving at best! But all this aside I no longer wake up in the morning dreading the day, instead I find myself looking forward to things to come. In fact every day feels like a bonus and this alone is a huge step for me.
One of the main characteristics of having depression is constantly putting yourself down and I am a great exponent of this! You can soon become fixated on everybody seeming better than you. You think of yourself as totally useless with very little to offer. Your self-esteem is very low and suddenly even the simplest of tasks becomes a challenge, as self-doubt starts to take over.
‘Everybody’s an expert, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking its stupid’
Above is one of my favourite quotes by Albert Einstein. To me it highlights that everyone has things they excel at and equally things that they’re not so good at. If your taken out of your comfort zone anyone can look foolish. A good analogy is that of a penguin. when on land penguins can appear extremely clumsy, waddling along, tripping and sliding on their bellies in the most undignified of manner. But then all at once a magnificent transformation takes place. Suddenly they’re gliding through the water with elegance and grace as they show off their skills. I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone who’s not good at something, It’s just easy to forget this when your battling with your mental health.